1. How old are you?
Woman A: Twenty-six.
Person B: Twenty-four.
2. How and when did you first start going to sex parties? Were you dating anyone at the time or did you go solo?
Woman A: I started about five years ago, when I first started to explore open relationships. The first parties I went to were with my best friend at the time (also a sex worker [like I am]) and a casual partner who was also dating that same friend! Going to parties seemed like a natural extension of testing out the boundaries a bit more in my personal life.
Person B: I attended my first sex party at 18. At the time, I was beginning to explore both non-monogamy and kink. Luckily had some new friends who were enthusiastic about welcoming me into spaces that would further facilitate that exploration. I didn't have a partner at the time and largely went to sex parties with friends.
3. What was that experience like?
Woman A: It's a big myth that sex parties are a free-for-all. Most people end up playing with the friends and lovers they arrived with, and that was certainly my experience. It was a bit more fun because of the sexually charged atmosphere, i.e. the attractive people having sex all around us!
Person B: Frankly, complicated. At that point in time I largely had not done enough exploration to feel comfortable as a sexual being, especially as a queer person who could finally be out safely. The parties I was invited to were very much straight-leaning and also had a problematic culture around consent. There were abusive men in positions of power, no infrastructure for dealing with consent violations, as well as an unhealthy drug culture. I never actually played at them, just went to watch and hang out. I still found the experience useful as it normalized alternative relationships and lifestyles for me. More importantly, I collected information over the years on what I think makes a great play party as well as the various issues that arise — as a result I think the play parties I throw are wonderful, safe, and sexy spaces.
4. What is it about sex parties that you enjoy?
Woman A: The atmosphere. I tend to go with a big group of friends now, and it's an opportunity to do big scenes that realistically would never do at home. Big scenes refers to ambitious BDSM fantasies that might require special equipment that one doesn't have at home (like cages) or anything that might involve a bigger group of participants. For example, gang bang fantasies, or a fantasy with a large group of masked voyeurs a la Eyes Wide Shut. Anything like inviting fifteen people into my living room to do something like that is sadly less practical and less likely to happen at home. The exhibitionist/voyeuristic aspect is quite fun as well.
Person B: There are so many elements — group sex, exhibitionism, voyeurism, building community with fellow sexual deviants (I say that fondly). In general being in a space filled with people who are sexually liberated is a wonderful feeling.
5. How regularly do you attend these parties?
Woman A: About once or twice a month, depending on schedule. A lot of kink parties in London [where I live] are essentially club nights where there is also a play room, so my friends and I treat it as a night out.
Person B: Multiple times a month, typically, but that's partially because I throw my own play parties.
6. If you wanted to go to a sex party with your partner, how would you bring up the topic?
Woman A: I think it would have to be part of a larger conversation about non-monogamy, i.e. are you and your partner into having sex with other people? That's a difficult topic to raise, but I think every couple should talk about it, even if the answer is a resounding "no". That said, there are plenty of monogamous people who go to sex parties — they just enjoy having sex with each other with other people around.
Person B: I can see this going a number of different ways, honestly. I've been non-monogamous since I was a teenager and have always pursued similarly minded people. Many non-monogamous folks will be a lot more open to going to a sex party than monogamous folks.
7: What’s it like to tell your partners you enjoy sex parties for the first time? Any tips on how to talk about it?
Woman A: If you've decided you do want to go to sex parties and have sex with other people, you should talk about your boundaries. Are you happy for your partner to play with new people, or only with existing partners? What sort of conversation would you like to have with your partner if they think they might get lucky with a new person? Do you have any boundaries about seeing your partner have sex, and what arrangements would you need to make about that? Some couples I know prefer not to go to parties together, because they find it difficult to connect with new people if the other's around, so that's something to talk about as well.
Person B: I think broaching the topic as a shared experience you want to have as well as making sure to thoroughly create boundaries and expectations is a safe bet.
8. What exactly do you do at sex parties? Do you engage in sex with other people or couples, or do you like having other couples watch you, or something else?
Woman A: Usually I just have sex with my existing friends and partners, though very occasionally I'll meet a new person there. I'm bisexual, but I don't have sex with couples very often. I'm very into exhibitionism though, so I do like to play while others are watching and then talk to the people I'm having sex with about the people watching.
Person B: I think it's a false binary to think of sex parties as couples vs singles. For me, a relationship anarchist, I may have multiple partners at one party and not necessarily play with any or all of them. My night at a play party may include meeting new people, chatting, dancing, sex with multiple people throughout the night (sometimes one on one and sometimes group), and kink scenes. I think exhibitionism and voyeurism are natural but I don't tend to center those experiences.
9. How do you strike up conversation with other people at sex parties?
Woman A: In Britain it's just like at a normal party — small talk, commenting on their outfits. It takes a bit of flirting and sensing the vibe before you directly ask someone about sex. British people are scrupulously polite though, and I've found people can be more direct though!
Person B: As you or I might anywhere else — there's no need to make it weird! I've made wonderful new non-sex friends at many sex parties. When it comes to approaching people for potential play, it's fair game to approach someone and ask if they're interested in get spanked or tying you up or making out — don't expect a yes, though. I ultimately prefer striking up a casual conversation and seeing where that may organically lead though.
10. How do sex parties affect your orgasms?
Woman A: I'm much less likely to come at sex parties, and often do more kinky play that's less genital focused anyway. Orgasm is kind of less the point; it's more about the overall experience.
Person B: I'm not sure I've noticed any difference, but I generally don't center my sexual experience around orgasm anyways.
11. Do you enjoy sex parties more with a partner or by yourself or with friends?
Woman A: I usually like to go with a big group of friends, including partners. If I'm feeling particularly outgoing, I go with more casual friends so I'm more free to meet people and do my own thing.
Person B: With friends, overwhelmingly — though keep in mind I have sex with most of my friends. I find sex parties most enjoyable when I'm around at least some people I know and have been intimate with but don't feel committed to sharing the entire experience with one person.
12. What advice would you have for someone who is curious about sex parties but is nervous about everyone watching them?
Woman A: Different parties have different rules about this. Some are very strict about staring at people playing, and you can speak to a playroom monitor if someone is making you uncomfortable. Some places even have quite private little cubicles or corners to go with your partners. Other parties are all about the exhibitionism.
Person B: Well, two things: if the sex party is good, there will be enough going on that you'll hardly be the center of attention. Also, it's perfectly acceptable to ask folks not to watch you! I'd also add that finding a more discreet spot at the party is helpful too.
13. How do you find safe sex parties to go to? What resources would you suggest for people to find safe parties in their area?
Woman A: The most important thing to know is about the party's consent culture, and how serious the organizers seems about it — there'll be rules posted everywhere, maybe a little talk as you enter the party, people monitoring the play areas, etc. It's usually a good sign if there are at least a few women among the organizers as well. Good parties will often have some system of screening guests (even if it's a short chat with the organizers, or a requirement that people come with a friend).
It's difficult to generalize about finding good parties. Google is your friend. You can also go on Fetlife, the kinky social network, which allows you to look at many of the events in your geographical area. This isn't a guarantee that things will be safe or well-organized though, so follow the guidelines above!
Person B: I started my own [parties] out of frustration as I found there to be a lack of safe and sexy play parties. Ultimately, word of mouth is best — find your most consent oriented sex party going pal and ask them what parties they like! A good party will communicate rules around consent and how they deal with consent violations beforehand as well as having designated folks helping keep the space safe and be there to help if a situation should arise.
14. What would you tell someone who is curious about going to a sex party?
Woman A: I'd say check it out, but keep your expectations low. Aiming to have the best sex of your life your first time is unrealistic and will probably lead to disappointment. Go with the expectation of having a good party and meeting some interesting people — people are generally more interesting and open-minded than at a mainstream party.
Person B: Keep an open mind, enter with no expectations, be respectful, and don't take yourself too seriously.
