Maybe you've already attended a sex party. Or perhaps you've just seen them in the movies (of either the Hollywood or incognito-mode variety). Either way, it’s not hard to get the appeal. Hot people. Fun costumes. Mystery. And, of course, sex. But as always, there's a lot that both kinds of movies skip. For instance, how does one even hear about a sex party?
Whether you find one through the kinky social media site FetLife or word of mouth by entering your local poly, kink, or sex-positive scene, getting the invite is just the beginning. Play parties, as they’re often called, do indeed likely mean that you'll see some hot people getting it on, but you'll need some schooling before you get in on the action. Many go so far as to hold orientations. These tend to be focused on consent, but cover all kinds of topics, like how to handle safe sex and STIs, why these events usually require a costume, why some events charge cishet guys more money (and why other events think this is BS).
It’s a lot to cover. For more we talked about all things play parties with the scene's most knowledgeable members, from sex scientists to the party organizers themselves.
"In the broadest sense possible, a play party is a group of people that can range anywhere from, I don't know, five, six, seven—whatever you want to put the lower limit on what makes a party a party and not just a threesome or a foursome—coming together at the same time and place with the specific expressed intention to potentially find other people to have some kind of sexual interaction with on the on-premise,” Dr. Zhana Vrangalova, a professor at NYU who studies human sexuality.
It’s that premeditated intention that’s the distinguishing factor, says Dr. Dulcinea Alex Pitagora, NYC-based psychotherapist and sex therapist. "Play parties are similar to ‘regular’ parties in that there can be snacks, beverages, and socializing. To make play parties safer, organizers or hosts will often vet attendees prior to adding them to the list of attendees; this might involve providing references known to the party organizers, or a social media account or some other way to confirm that the person attending will be a safe participant," they say. "Play parties often have guidelines, expectations, and rules around consent that are communicated in writing ahead of time from the hosts."
“I've been to over 200 sex parties and have hosted small and large sex parties (my largest had 175 people), says Zachary Zane, author of Boyslut: A Memoir and Manifesto and sex expert for the sex toy brand Fun Factory. I like the freedom of expression, the community surrounding it, and honestly, the sex. I get to have wild sex with a bunch of different folks.”
"I love meeting and connecting with people who have the same interests as me without worrying that I'm being judged,” says Carly S, a sex educator who writes the blog Dildo or Dildon’t. “We all know why we're there and what we're looking for."
"There are many different ways that organizers control who's welcome at a party and who's not welcome. So some of these places will be literally just open to the public; other places will have an application," Dr. Vrangalova says.
Alice, one of the founders of Hit Me Up, a polyamory and kink organizer in New York City, reviews those applications herself. "We do a number of vetting checks, but the primary reason folks get rejected is for not putting in effort in their application,” she says. “Yes, I do actually read them, and if you can't be bothered to put in proper effort and follow directions in your application, we know that you won't put effort into doing things properly in real life."
Of course, most sex parties are like most regular parties: they aren’t on social media, you just have to get out there, make some friends, and get yourself invited through word of mouth.
This is something that a good play party takes seriously—and enforces proactively.
"We take a lot of care in educating new people, so there's no need to worry that you won't know what to do, says Beth Sparksfirem, Director of Events at Hacienda. We have our rules and policies clearly outlined in the ticket confirmation email, and we have a page on our website explaining our consent policy. First-time guests are required to attend an orientation with the member who invited them or vouched for them. At the orientation, we talk about the rules and expectations and give guests a roadmap on what to expect and how to act. We often host icebreaker games to get people interacting and practicing asking for consent and saying no. During the party, we have Guardians available who are there to keep an eye on the things and make sure that people feel comfortable and are following the rules."
"Anything that isn't a fuck yes is a fuck no," Zane says. "If someone says 'maybe,' don't push them. If someone says, 'I'm not interested now, but I may be later,' — DO NOT ASK THEM AGAIN. They'll come up to you if they're interested. A common refrain is to thank someone for their no or when they say they're not interested. It takes a lot of guts to be honest and reject someone kindly. Be happy that they did."
"Never touch anyone without explicit consent, unless you know them very well and have a well-established agreement. Never interrupt someone else's scene or interaction. Never make assumptions that because someone is dressed a certain way or engaging in certain behaviors with someone else, that they will want to interact with you," Dr. Pitagora says. "Do not try to get consent for sex or a kink scene with someone you don't know well who has been drinking or using substances; even if they consent in the moment, their judgment may be impaired and no amount of pleasure in the moment is worth dealing with regrets or a hindsight consent violation."
Not every play party requires a costume or dress code, but you’ll find that many of them do.
"There are many different types of play parties, and organizers are usually trying to set a specific vibe; sometimes dress code and costumes will be part of the atmosphere they're trying to achieve," Dr. Dulcinea says.
"Why do we have a dress code? It demonstrates that you take the space and the rules seriously. If you ever go to public [play] parties or parties without a dress code, you'll notice that often the people in khakis or jeans are the ones who make everyone uncomfortable. It also just makes the space feel sexier and more separate from regular life. We want to transport you to someplace outside of everyday life," Alice says.
"It makes it a special occasion. It can also give you a different personality, which for some people might be kind of nice. It can take the pressure off. Costumes can also be an easy icebreaker," Dr. Vrangalova says.
"The dress code for gentlemen is black tie — tuxedo and bowtie. Ladies may choose between evening dress and lingerie (or both). Masks are mandatory upon entry, but once inside can be removed if desired," says SNCTM creative director Inka Nevala.
"I hate when people don't dress up. Like, fucking look good. Be sexy. Be on theme," Zane says.
A sexually-active adult should always know their STI status, and a play party is no exception.
"Different parties take a different approach towards sexual health. I know of parties that do require very recent testing, but I would say most parties don't require testing but tend to be intentional and mindful about condom use," Dr. Vrangalova says.
"Getting tested regularly and before attending a sex party is a great idea. People may ask you about the last time you've been tested so it's good to have that information on hand," Sparksfire says.
"For any play event where sex is allowed we offer all types of safe sex supplies: condoms of all types, dental dams, gloves, lube, and more! One thing I love about our community is how safe sex is taken seriously," Alice says.
You will sometimes find that single cis men are subject to higher prices or different rules, though this process is not universal.
"We do not have any sort of gendered pricing—parties that do are very rarely good. This is because of our philosophy and ideals, but also we don't need to. If you need to give a discount to women to get them to attend, it's because they don't find your space appealing. Either you aren't vetting or haven't created a space that feels safe," says Hawthorne, one of the founders of Hit Me Up.
"Single gentlemen are warmly invited to join. However, the gateway to SNCTM events for the discerning individual is through an Aurum-level membership, priced at $12,500 per annum—a key that unlocks extraordinary experiences," Nevala says.
"We don't discriminate against anyone because of their gender or relationship status. By not playing into the systems we're trying to dismantle we end up treating each guest as an individual and find that our events always end up with a balanced mix of genders. All of our play parties are exclusively for Hacienda members and their guests, with guests paying slightly more for their tickets than members," Sparksfire says.
"There are still clubs that have policies about men going alone. While frustrating, I understand why clubs have those policies. They have had too many creepy single men," Zane says.
"Yes! It's fine just to come out, have a drink, meet some new friends, and take it all in. For first-timers especially, this can be a great plan," Alice says.
"For some people, just being in an environment where sex is allowed is exciting enough. Dipping your toe in slowly is a great way to make sure that you don't jump over boundaries you didn't even know were there. We welcome people to watch and be a voyeur, but it needs to be done in a very specific way so that it doesn't interfere with the people who are being watched. We outline our specific policies for how to watch respectfully during the orientation," Sparksfire says.
"At the right party, there shouldn't be pressure to play or do anything unless you want to. If you feel pressured to remove clothing, to play with others, or you feel harassed, I recommend leaving that party. Your safety comes first," Cuff says.
"Manage expectations—do not expect or force yourself or anyone else to have sex or a kink scene the first time at a play party,” Dr. Pitagora says.” Go with a trusted friend or partner, and establish a safeword before the party in case you need help getting out of an uncomfortable situation. And do not overly consume alcohol or substances."
"If it's your first sex party, try to go with a partner. They don't even have to be a play partner, just a friend who you're comfortable with,” Zane says. “There's a lot of downtime at a sex party, and you'll be happy you have someone there with you."