This June, a particularly slut-shame-y meme made the rounds online, which claimed to espouse what pride “is.” it juxtaposed a black-and-white photo of an early Pride march with signs and fists raised, captioned “THIS IS PRIDE,” next to a photo of two men grinding each other on a float with speedos and rainbow flags, captioned “THIS IS BULLSHIT.”
Let’s get one thing straight: Pride may have started as a protest, and its function within the community may be in flux, but among other things, it has always been about sex. A sexual component has always underscored Pride’s history as a collective community defiance, an act of celebration and visibility. Queer sex is and always will be a middle finger to the hetero establishment, a threat to the dominant paradigm, and — for this queer man, at least — the most beautiful part of my life. My queer identity is tied immovably to the most intimate parts of my life; the men I fuck, the men I kiss and grind in public, my positive HIV status, my sex parties, my slutty nights.
Sex, in other words, is a key way we express ourselves as queer people, and we’re lucky enough to be part of a community at the vanguard of sexual expression. From open relationships to kink and BDSM and all manner of uninhibited, no-moral-bullshit sexual play in between, being queer means having a world of sexual exploration at your fingertips.
That exploration often takes place at sex parties and orgies, and summertime means that group fuck fests, orgies, and circuit parties with winding sex mazes will be hopping. Whether you’re new to queer sex or a seasoned pro, you should join in. Here are 15 tips to get you started, with a bunch to follow in part two of this guide.
1. If it’s your first time, go with a friend.
The buddy system works at sex parties, too. Friends make orgies better. Whether you’re going to a private party in someone's condo or an industrial sex dungeon with a coat check and pricey admittance fee, you’re probably going to be a little nervous and feel a little overwhelmed. Go with a friend — preferably one with benefits — and you’ll have a familiar face nearby in case you need one.
2. Wear tall socks.
Tall socks (the fetish wear brand Nasty Pig sells a good collection) make for a perfect place to stash your ID, credit card, cash, lube, and other essentials when you shed the rest of your clothes. This rule of thumb really only applies to official venues — circuit parties, sex clubs, and so on — where you may be naked but keep your shoes and socks on. If you’re at a bathhouse or a private party, you should probably lose your shoes and socks, too.
3. Know if the sex party is happening at a venue or private residence.
Location makes a huge difference. Public venues (warehouses, sex clubs, bathhouses, et al.) may require a ticket or charge an admittance fee. House or apartment parties in private residences are usually free, but not always — larger ones may require a fee or have a suggested donation.
Sex parties in private residences are, well, private, and usually smaller, so the expectations of attendees are different. They may be invite-only, or you may need to “know a guy,” and there will sometimes be a host who you need to thank. You may be expected to play with everyone there, or at least not be obvious as to who you’re less interested in. Parties like these can be more personal than those at a public venue, but that comes with its own benefits and drawbacks, too.
On the other hand, there are virtually no expectations of attendees in public spaces or sex clubs. You can do what you want. You can watch, participate, play in a group, or tuck away to a semi-private space (if such spaces are available) for more one-on-one action.
That said, some private sex parties are massive, because some private residences are massive, with hundreds of attendees. While they may still be invite-only (or you may need to be on some sort of mailing list), the expectation to play with everyone doesn’t exist at these. You’re not superhuman.
4. Know as much as you can about the sex party before you go.
Many sex parties require a specific dress code — jockstrap or nude only, for example. Others are gear-focused and require you to wear certain attire. Many are male-only, but some are mixed.
Some parties ask you to hide your features with a hood or mask. Some may feature drug use; others are exclusively sober. Many parties at public venues will prohibit the use of drugs, so if you’re curious about group sex or sex parties but wish to avoid drugs, your local bathhouse may be the best first step. Some parties are condom-friendly; others are bareback-only. Know what kind of party or venue you’re going to so you can be prepared to make choices within your comfort levels once you’re there.
5. Bring your own lube, condoms, and other essentials.
Even if the host says lube or condoms (or whatever you need) will be available, it’s always best to bring your own. Don’t bring the largest, most expensive bottle of lube you own, in case it gets lost, left behind, or worse — shared. I’ve watched with frustration as my silky premium silicone lube got depleted and passed around by greedy party-goers. I’m too polite to ask them to stop. Don’t make my same mistake.
6. If you use poppers, bring your own.
“Poppers” are small amber bottles filled with nitrates that, when inhaled, create a fleeting, “head rush” high. They exist on the grey market in America — they can’t be sold as a drug, but they can be sold under thinly-veiled alternative purposes, like “VHS cleaner.” They’re widely used during gay sex and at gay sex parties, one reason being because they relax smooth muscle tissue in the anus, making penetration easier.
While they’re not addictive, and they’re a relatively low-risk drug, they do come with potential side effects (certain kinds can damage your eyes, and if you have heart problems or conditions related to blood pressure, they can be dangerous). If you’re using Viagra, Cialis or another drug for erectile dysfunction, you should never do poppers, because the combination can lead to an unsafe drop in blood pressure.
Poppers are widely, recreationally used at gay sex parties (and anywhere gay men are gathered). Even if you don’t use them, they will be present at the next sex party you attend — unless, of course, you’re attending an explicitly sober sex party. If you like to use poppers, bring your own bottle, so that you know exactly what’s in them.
7. Never assume the condom policy.
If you go to a bareback sex party and pull out condoms, you might be asked to leave. If the party is condom-only and you show up ready to play bare, you may also be asked to leave.
If you go to a sex venue, you’re usually free to do whatever you choose, although certain sex parties at certain venues cater exclusively to an all-bareback clientele. If it’s a private house party, find out beforehand what the condom policy is — never assume.
Some venues are required by state law to provide condoms and make them visible to visitors. Some even have signs saying you “must” use them. You can decide how seriously you want to treat these signs, but in either case, show up prepared.
8. If you’re bottoming and want to douche, prepare beforehand.
Never assume there will be someplace for you to clean out at a sex party — while many make this an option, many more don’t. And while you don’t have to douche to bottom, if you feel like you need to, you should prepare beforehand.
I always try to be extra prepared if I’m going to a group sex party — regardless if it’s at a venue, bathhouse, or private home. I clean once, wait (up to an hour sometimes), and clean again. By this point I’ve also usually stopped eating for half a day or more. Remember that it can take more than a day for your body to process food and produce a bowel movement. These aren’t necessary steps for everyone, and not everyone douches — especially if you eat a high fiber diet — but if you do douche, douche before.
9. Don’t feel defeated if you’re not clean. There’s always another sex party.
Easier said than done, right? There are few things in life more frustrating than preparing for an awesome party, arriving, seeing the sexy crowd, and realizing you’re not good to go. I know how crushing that can feel in the moment, but don’t let it ruin your weekend. There’s always another sex party. There’s probably another one happening somewhere right now.
If you’re not willing to top (it will be appreciated by bottoms present), enjoy oral sex, or simply watch and get off, go home and watch Netflix or cuddle with a friend and try not to beat yourself up. It happens to everyone — pros and novices alike. Every single man who has sex with men has been in that situation.
10. If it’s a private party, don’t ask about other attendees.
This is an amateur move; a good sex party host never reveals other invitees/attendees. The unspoken agreement you make when you arrive at most sex parties is one of complicity and anonymity. You’re there to have sex. Everyone else is, too. You're in the same boat — equally implicated with everyone else in attendance.
11. Wear simple clothing.
My advice is to wear old clothes and go minimal. I wear gym shorts, jockstrap, socks, shoes, and a t-shirt. That’s it. Don’t wear your sexy clothes or your nice clothes, since no one will see them. Wear clothes you don’t mind stuffing into a locker that hasn’t been cleaned since the last person who used it, or clothes you wouldn’t mind getting soiled or stained.
12. Respect the dress code, if there is one.
If the party has a fetish gear dress code, you must wear fetish gear. A jockstrap and shoes likely won’t cut it. A jockstrap and harness might not even be enough. A true gear party will have doormen to evaluate if you’re wearing adequate attire, and they will turn you away if you’re not.
Also, if the party says “jockstrap or naked only,” yes, you will have to strip down to your jockstrap, if you’re wearing one, or go naked. I get irritated when I’m in a sex venue where everyone is naked or mostly-naked and one person is walking around fully dressed — many others do, too.
13. Bring cash.
The coat/bag check will likely be cash-only. Most venues have coat/bag checks — or they’ll have lockers, which may or may not require cash to rent. This rule only applies to venues, although some hosts of private parties do provide space to put your stuff — something you should thank them for.
Keep in mind that many venues are entirely cash-only — including the membership fee, if there is one, and the fee to get in. Don’t assume an ATM will be present. Get cash ahead of time.
14. Never bring your phone into the sex party.
Some venues will require you to check your phone at the door. If you’re not having a good time, simply leave. Let everyone keep playing and step outside; get in your car, hop on the subway, call an Uber, and arrange plans somewhere else. Or go home. Don’t stay on your phone when people are in your vicinity and ready to play.
15. You may have to purchase a membership.
If it’s a bathhouse or sex club, you may have to purchase a club membership the first time you go. There are a variety of reasons why venues require this, but mostly it’s because some state laws outlaw sex clubs but allow “private clubs,” so by requiring attendees to purchase memberships, they meet the criteria of the latter. Some even give you a membership card, which you should hold on to if you plan on coming back.
In part two of this guide, we’ll cover more basics — sex party etiquette, how to navigate rejection, the risks of group sex, HIV/STIs — and more.
